Just Passing Through

I was never a confident person in my school work, even though I did do fairly well in school. I like most teenagers thought school was a strange cross between prison with out the law against cruel and unusual punishment and challenge zone where your will not to fall asleep was constantly tested.

Have you ever met someone who is suppose to be approachable and gives that appearance of being so, and then you feel that you have just been ridiculed before you even get a word out. That is how one of my English teachers made me feel. She just exuded confidants and this made you feel like she was approachable about any problems with any of the assignments. She would then make comments at the end of her instructions that made it seem like only an idiot wouldn't understand her directions.  This would blow any chance of me actually asking the questions concerning the assignment. Confidence. I DID NOT HAVE ANY!

I had this problem on and off through High school particularly with this English teacher. I would usually muddle my way through these assignments for her and get by with B’s and a small amount of C’s. One particular assignment was the breaking point though. We had to do a research paper on someone we had admired in our lives but didn't admire anymore. I had a question concerning this on what she meant by didn't admire anymore. Did she mean didn't admire because of a specific reason or just didn't think about anymore. Not necessarily a life or death decision but I prefer clarification as much as possible. I waited until the end of class to ask her my question. In my mind, at the time, there was nothing worse than asking a question in class to a teacher who had the possibility to embarrass you.

Well, in this case I was wrong. Not only was it not embarrassing, she didn't make it seem like I was an idiot. She was a approachable as she made herself to be and there was no indication that she thought that I was an idiot for my question. She clarified her direction that it could be for either reason and not to over analyze the why of it too much. She asked me if there was anything else which I told her no and left for the day. A week later I turned in the paper and got an A. I guess the point is that if someone appears one way that you should at least confirm it before you make the judgment. That people can appear one way at it is only an of hand appearance that is mostly in your mind.

People passing

Coming and

Going

Feet pounding and

Pounding the sidewalks

As the work

Days end

And night shift comes in

Passing and flowing around the single

Person standing

Alone in a sea of black, brown, blonde’s and reds

Dappled with the colors of outrageous hues.

Seeing everything

And nothing

 I

Watch her

Watching them

There is no attempt to leave

To move from where the crowd

Surrounds her

Her head turns this way and that

Looking but not

Seeing

Much like those surrounding her

Looking for something

To recognize

Something she needs

She finally moves

Braking the

Flow of the sea around her

She disappears from

My sight

I turn away

My ride is here.

A little Ray of Sunshine

When I was 21 I went to a self based learning program to become a pharmacy technician in the Western part of Massachusetts. I entered the program in October of 2010. When entering the program you have to go through a 5 week period where you learn to adjust to the rules and regulations of the institution and enter into your trade, in my case pharmacy tech. It pretty much was five weeks of me going through high school on acid trip without a diploma to show for it. It was mostly common sense rules that either didn’t apply to me or were things that someone wishing to cause a problem would do. And that was only the tip of the iceberg. The five week wait turned into nearly 5 months. Imagine 5 months of sitting on your hands for over 89 hours a day and that is almost more than what I did in that time.  I was supposed to enter Pharmacy tech in mid November, I didn’t enter the program until the 28^th of March.

 I was instead told to work in the cafeteria and to help other trainees in helping them get their GED’s or high school diplomas until there was space for me in the trade. I hated this because I felt I was wasting time while others were finishing their programs and leaving. Some of the other trainees there who I was supposed to be helping just wanted me to do their work for them.  I was frustrated that there was nothing I could do because there was no room for me at the time in Pharmacy Tech. I was also frustrated that I was given the okay to attend when there wasn't enough space in the program for me. They could only send me to their branches in New England none of them had a Pharmacy Tech program. I was stuck until there was room. I was reaching a point where I was ready to resign and go home with nothing.

After I finally got into the program I finished it in 5 months which was a little fast than average. Because it took so long for me to get into the program I was able to sign up for the fall semester for Holyoke community college which was a short drive from the institutes’ campus. At the time I just saw it as a way to stay longer because half the reason I came was there was to get out of my parents house for a while. Now I realize that it helped open a door to further my education.  After a few semesters in Holyoke, I transferred to Bunker Hill community college. It made me learn that maybe that delays in what you think is most important at the time can give another opportunity that you didn’t know you wanted to be more reachable.

There is a silver lining

In every dark cloud

One smiling face

Can unmake a dour crowd

Running late is a pain

Especially on a busy day

A run in with an old friend

Causes that pain to stray

Dropped your ring you said?

Down the bathroom sink

The plumber got there pretty quickly

Pretty cut don’t you think?

The bright side can be hard to find

Especially with the dark surrounding glare

Like the dark “red line” windows

And only meet your own stare

Moving forward isn't a crime,

Neither is standing still

You feel the bright side won’t find you

Trust me, it will.

Many Changes, Many Phases

I have had many experiences in my life have set me apart from people. To some people I have done more in my 24 years than some people have done in their entire life times. Ad compared to theirs I have barely done anything. To some people I have lived a charmed life with few problems. To others they don’t know how I live with some of the responsibilities that I have. All of these things have shaped who I am and whom I will be later done the road. Some of these experiences have played larger parts in who I have become than others.

My grandmother before she past

One moment that changed me was the day my grandmother died. It was late in the summer, a week before I turned 17. My mother told my sister, my cousin and I the morning we were supposed to be leaving for a marching band competition in Ohio. This was a big decision on whether or not we would go or not as my parents had already put almost three thousand dollars into all of us to and it wasn't refundable. It would also be a problem considering our band wasn't as large as the other bands competing so losing three members could have caused some problems. Our parents said it was up to us on whether or not we were going to go or not. This would really be the first “adult” decision that I, my sister or my cousin had ever faced. We decided to go in the end, pushed things to the back of our minds, and enjoyed our time away until we came home. I always thought of this as a lesson that even if we want to bury our heads in the sand and pretend the world has stopped it hasn't. That we have to pull our selves together until there is a more apt time to fall apart and still get through the days. As much we may want it to the world keeps moving forward and you can either disappoint yourself and everyone around by being left behind or following along and being a part of the world.

Another experienced that helped in my “growing up” was when I went to Chicopee, Ma for a trade program. This doesn't seem like much too some people but it was like some going away to college for the first time. While I was only going to the other side of MA It felt like a whole other planet. Here I was from a fairly sheltered life, who never went anywhere without someone she knew or went anywhere she didn't know well and fell smack dab in the middle of nowhere.  At least what felt like nowhere. No friends, no family, with a bunch of strangers who really didn't care how comfortable or uncomfortable I was.  It was a learning curve that I eventually fell into. Before this I had no self confidence as I do now and I am not afraid to say what I mean to say. I went there to become a Pharmacy Technician and though I am not currently employed I am a Pharmacy Technician. I learned that I could make it on my own without the help of anyone, if I didn't want it. More importantly I learned that when it is okay to refuse or ask for help is okay.

My "little" sister and I. She's sitting and she comes
 to my shoulder...

Another defining moment that changed me was realizing that my younger sister wasn't my “baby” or “little” sister anymore or least not in the way she used to be to me. For as long as I could remember I always had my younger sister following me around. Not always just a majority of the time. We were only two years apart so we went to the same elementary school and we were mostly around each other. She used to follow me went I went to hang out with my friends that lived on our street and I f I told her to go home she followed me any way. If I didn't let her do something with me she would go cry to our parents and they would make me hangout with her anyway. It was around when I got to high school that it got really irritating but it didn't last long. Soon after she was no longer my little shadow and not just because would end up taller than me. Nothing quite like yelling up at your “little” sister to change your perspective.  She had her own friends that she hung out with and she didn't bother me about the things she used to ask me about. I also realized that she wasn't just my sister anymore; she had a personality outside of just being my sister. I learned that we liked a lot of the same things and as Long as I didn't pull out the “I’m older” card we got along as Friends fairly well. But there are days that I wish I could have my “little” sister back for a day, if only so I don’t have to strain my neck looking up at her.

Enough is Enough

I breathe in through my nose

And out through my mouth

When did you start to annoy me?

When did the talking go south?

You complain about the colors

You complain about how long it takes

Your voice is really annoying now

With every noise that it makes

Counting to ten stopped working

 When I hit twenty-nine

Would you please stop complaining?

Now you’re complaining about one line?

I just want you to finish now

You've driven me up the wall

I need to do something else now

Or I swear I’m going to bawl

I’m taking out a new canvas

That you can’t complain about.

Because you’re not going to see it

In short; just get out!

A Power Most Strange

I discovered my power at a fairly early age. I had the power to create my own little worlds in my mind. I think every child is born with fantastical imaginations. As people grow up however, that imagination where anything is possible is slowly rationalized and some people lose that imagination all together.  As I got older my imagination just got more detailed and more elaborate. It also manifested itself in different ways. My written work and my drawings all started to take on lives of their own and become freer flowing. I have never had a problem putting details from my head to paper.  Though if I were to say what I was thinking out loud it would be a jumbled mess.  

I called this piec a winters day. Most people understood it.

Times that I find that I lack power is when I have to verbally try to explain my abstract paintings to people. I have always left people to imagine what I feel or what they see in my paintings but some people what a more concrete definition to my paintings that I can’t really provide. This usually frustrates me and leaves feeling like just storming off like a child. Trying to explain things without writing things down has never been my strong point.  I have always felt that my art can’t be explained concretely anymore you can describe the color blue to someone who has never seen it.

This was on of my unnamed piece that I couldn't really explain.

When I can’t get out of explaining my art I try to think about what was going on when I was painting it. I focus any emotions that I was feeling and anything that was going on n my life at the time I was working on it. I also try to patiently explain to the person or people that I can’t just put a concrete thought on my paintings when a lot of the time they are masses of different things that are going on in them. Sometimes they get angry that I can’t better describe my paintings and put exact thoughts to what I was painting or drawing. I just apologize and say that there really isn’t any way I can clearly explain what goes through my head sometimes when I am painting. Sometimes I am not even sure what I am putting on my canvas. That I can’t explain what I see through your eyes.

Some on thought that this had something to do with DNA. They were close just not human DNA

When I was a Limitless Child

When I was a limitless child,

the sky was my boundary.

The earth that surrounded me,

was my canvas that stretched forever.

My medium were my toys,

were brushes in my hands.

Their vivid colors, their textures,

a pallet to be envied.

Endless creations at my command,

except for the occasional whim of my playmates.

The endless array of imagination

unfolded masterpieces in my mind.

The glittering pink of princess dresses

and blue armor of their knights.

The emerald green of dragon's scales

and their burning scarlet flames

The golden sun a sliver

behind a slate grey castle

The princess and her knight

watch as first violet then black cover the sky

Our mothers call us in then,

the painting finished for now.

The brushes are put away

tomorrow is another day for a masterpiece to begin.

Grandfather, Teacher, Friend: A Man of Many Names

Dear Papa

For a thousand different reasons you probably don’t remember, most of them you do not even know about. You always had a way of making what was to me the biggest problem in the world seem smaller with doing nothing but say a few words. The conversation could have nothing to do with the problem. But the mere distraction from the problem made it seem smaller or gave me a chance to think more clearly to solve the problem. More than anything I want to thank you for being there for no reason other than to give a shoulder to lean on.

My Grandfather. He never looks at the camera.

Just by listening to me showed me that I can make a difference by just being there for someone. That I didn't have to solve everyone’s problems or give really good advice. That by just sitting and be willing to listen to their problems I can make a difference to them. That just talking about something non important or relevant to their situation can brighten their day. There was not a day since I became conscious of what a grandfather was that you didn't abide by what the term really means, someone who teaches old lessons and loves unconditionally, also to spoil grandchildren rotten which you did quite well.

Grandpa and Me, 1 year and 8 months. He still doesn't look at the camera.

You were there when I came squalling into the world. You were there for the good times, the bad times, the heartbreaks and listened to me complain. When I couldn't talk to my parents or to my friends or even my sisters I knew you would be waiting for me to show up because you just knew when I needed you. Also I’m pretty sure mom would call to give you a heads up when I left the house. Even when you had no clue what I would be going on about things, you didn't understand, you listened attentively and put in when you thought was appropriate. I have you to thank for having the ability to listen completely to a person even when I have no clue what they are going on about. If for nothing else of the thousands of things you have done for me then for giving me the understanding that just a listening ear is all some people need to have a better day, Thank you.

Lots of Love, 

Your Sama Girl

We Talked

We talked about everything,

We talked about nothing,

Even with out with our silences,

We seemed to speak of something

Laughing or Crying,

You held me through them all,

My tears and my fears,

Picking me up when I fall.

Never judging, never ignoring

Any thoughts I had told,

Every shouting match we had,

You never shouted back.

You listened, I learned

You held my hand through it all

You were always there,

Especially when my backs to the wall.

No one Knows me better,

Even if they say they due.

I don’t think anyone

Can hold a candle to you.