Gone but still here

I have always wanted to help children. Not necessarily as a teacher or a parent but as just someone who cares about what is going on with their lives. I especially want to work the teens that are in that stage of life where they feel the world is crashing in on them.  They tend to be afraid to tell their friends and family because their worried about making them happy and not disappointing them. I want to develop a place where they can go and get these thoughts and worries off of their chests without worrying or angering the people they care about. And if they need something more that needs to be specialized, I want to point them in the right direction. Not force them to get the attention they need but give the strength to go on their own with all the pressure and fear that can come from the need for help but the uncertainty of where to go.

Besides helping teens I want everyone to understand that being happy and being sad go hand in hand. That just because something sad happens, it shouldn’t take over their life. I want to help these people, friends, family, people I don’t even know that when sad things happen; mourn, grieve, whatever outlet helps you, but don’t let it consume you. Let that sadness be the amplifier for when joy and happiness come back into their lives. There is nothing wrong with being happy and I want everyone that I meet an get to know understand that.

Most important to me that when they think of me, I want them to smile. I don’t want anyone to mourn for me to long and that I loved living. That I even if I never said what was exactly on mind and times I still made my point across. I want people to remember that it didn’t matter who anyone was to, that I would be more than happy to share a smile and a listening ear to anyone. I want to leave behind a better world than the one I came into. Whether it’s by giving a smile to someone who needs it or just a listening ear. I would be content to be a passing thought in someone’s mind on a quiet Sunday morning. That’s more than enough for me.

Though she wished to linger

A while more

She has gone and left

Leaving but memories

Her gently smile and

Warm hands

Forever giving

Silent by words

But with thunderous action

Her memory lives

They linger on as

She wished

In many hearts and minds

For a time in sorrow

But forever remembered

With Joy.

Grace Undefined

I have always had very simple plans for my future. Find a job that I at least enjoy doing if not in love with was always first in my mind. Being a Pharmacy technician has been that job so far. I enjoy the work and the people. While there are bad days the good days more than make up for it. I have always seen myself living in my parents’ house and I plan to buy it from them when the time comes. I have also seen myself having children in this house just not always having a significant other in that house. Children have always been in my future plans. I never develop concrete ideas for my future. More like vague ideas of where I want to go and what I want to take with me. I have never planned to get a job where I make thousands of dollars a week. Just keeping that everything is paid for and maybe a little extra for a yearly vacation is more than adequate. That Vacation may not be in the Bahamas every year but that is perfectly okay.

Something that would twist my plans for my future would be if I met someone who could be “the One”. Every person talks about meeting that one person who completes them, that one person that lights up their world. I can honestly say that if I did meet someone who could do all of that for me I would be the most shocked person around. I have never put thought into what my other half would even be like. To meet that person should fill me with unimagined joy as far as I can tell. But that is only from what other people have told me about when they met their other half.

I have never thought of myself who can give so much of myself to someone else intimately like I feel would be necessary for me to get married or be in a permanent relationship. I couldn't even begin to plan what my life would be with someone who would mean so much to me in it. I see sharing my life with someone on such an intimate level like winning the lottery. Some people pray for it, others are convinced that one day it will happen while others view it as something that is never going to happen. While most people say everything falls into place once that person enters your life I see that I would have to change everything in my plans to some degree. Not because I had to, but because I would want to. I would want to make that person happy as I am sure they would want me to be happy. While I can see myself making the changes I would not be sure how much of it would be changes in my plans or in me.

I have accepted

Chance and change

And pushing of myself

To my limitation

I have

Accepted that when

I am given

Opportunity

It is alright

To take it

It is not selfish

Its acceptance

Things can occur and being

Given

Unselfishly

Are worth more

Than what I take

More than

what I want for

My own

That what I

Am given

But do not deserve

I am grateful for

I am accepting of

The forces that give it to me

I am thankful

For my family

Those who I have

Chosen and those

Who have chosen me

I am greatful

Future so Bright

Being happy is probably the most important thing that I can think of in my future. Everyone always says to do what makes you happy, so that is my plan. I can’t imagine being happy without my friends and family. They are a part of me that can’t be replaced. I also can’t imagine a future where there are not at least a million books. Whether I have written them or not reading has been a lifelong passion that I see enduring through my entire life time. I also want painting to be a major part of my future. I have developed such a love and appreciation to many different forms of art and painting just heads the top of the list. I have always seen myself otherwise having a fairly simple future. Spending my rainy days inside and watching it pour with a smile. Also, cats for company. Cats are just something that has always been in my home and a home without cats just seems strange. Just one or two is enough for rainy day company.  Though I can’t see myself ever getting married, I have always seen myself being a parent. While I won’t exclude finding a significant other, I know children are a big part of my future.

I see it now

Surrounding

The rain

The sun

The colors flowing

Surrounding

Forming into

Shapeless rainbows and shades

of color yet to be seen

Voices and people

Melding into the sounds of

Rain and thunder

And words piling around me

I smile isn’t washed under

The rain flowing

From the open window

The words on the page blur

But I close my eyes

And they are still there

Swirling in the colors behind my eyelids as the

Rain patters across my cheeks

as soft as kitten fur

Seeking, wanting attention

The pattering of

Rain soon

Joins the background of the symphony

of voices and laughter

An yelling that

Surrounds me

A controlled chaos

That sounds of

Light

Of joy

The sounds of my happiness

The sound of my home

A book by its cover

I have several activities that I am passionate including painting, drawing, and music. My biggest passions however, would probably being reading and definitely writing. I can spend hours, if I am allowed to, getting lost in the pages of a book. I love to imagine some of the ideas and places that are described in those works and I am always getting lost in my own, trying to put into words what I am seeing in my own mind. I would be more than content to do nothing more than get lost in those thoughts for hours and sometimes days at a time.

I would love nothing more than to be a fiction writer. While I do know that it would not be a viable way to make a living right at this moment it is something that I am not going to stop pursuing. That it is going to be difficult at first is something that only makes me want to try harder to become a published author. Also I also think that becoming an editor would be something that I would like to do in the future. While I know as an editor I have a potential to read some pretty horrible books along with some amazing ones I think it would be an amazing learn opportunity for me as a writer to read others works. To not only critic others to do their best in their writings, but to also see the different directions their writings and possibly my writing s could go in the future.

I want to encourage budding writers and to allow writers that have been working forever to still feel that love of writing. I don’t want to be a brow beating editor that crushes all creativity in a writer just to meet a deadline. I also don’t want to e an editor that is easily pushed over and allows horrible written material to be passed off as good. I want to allow writers to reach the full potential. I want to give he readers something that leaves reading for hours because they just can’t put the book down, not only from their favorite authors but by anyone who may read my works if and when they are published. I want any reader of whatever genre they are reading to be happy with the book and the author who wrote it.

 Red smearing across white

Hands flowing blindly
Filling in the spaces

Stopping at times
Uncertainty
Then swiftly dragging across

Hands dragging through hair
Pulling slightly
Before returning to their original place

Ruffling, shuffling, shifting
Hours passing 
Yet feeling like only moments

Eyes blurring
Hands dropping at last
The little end has occurred 

Stretching while standing
Tired and sore
It's only the first chapter

Note to self, use spell check next time.

Alchemy

 The story The Alchemist is focused around the journey of Santiago the shepherd boy and his travels to find his personal legend. While it starts of with him having a recurring dream for him to leave what is familiar to him and go to the pyramids in Egypt to find a treasure. The reader follows Santiago as he travels from Spain to Africa and follows his difficulties in his pursuit of treasure and his personal legend. Along the way he is faced with physical and emotional obstacles. While he does find his treasure, it is the lessons he learns about the world, of himself and of his personal legend  that make the  the journey complete. 

 A scene that hit me was the scene were the refuges told of their reoccurring dream that would lead Santiago back to Spain to gain his treasure. It reminds me of a line from my favorite movie, Labyrinth. “Sometime the way forward is the way back.” Santiago went all the way to Egypt to find his treasure to find the final clue sends him back to Spain to physically receive it. While some people would consider this a wild goose chase this is also a lesson much more important than the actual treasure. He learned that if he hadn’t gone to Egypt he never would have thought to dig up the treasure in Spain, He never would have learned to read omens, he never would have met Fatima and he would have never of learned to listen when his heart speaks to him. Without this journey he never would have achieved his personal legend.

 The point that I enjoyed the most about this story that I liked was also something that I also disliked about the book. The achieving ones persona legend is important, more important than anything else. While I can understand putting goals and dreams in front of things that are less important in the long run, I felt that it reflected in the book as more being a little on the selfish side. While I can understanding wanting to push everything to the side to pursue a goal, that actual doing it with little regard to what can occur afterwards just seem to be far-fetched. And while Santiago did seem to take these thoughts into account it still seemed he was willing to lose everything for something that he dreamed about even with “confirmation” that his treasure exists.  More importantly while I can respect someone else who can go through so much and push aside so much to achieve their goals, I myself could not help but view it as a bit selfish but can understand that human nature tends to be a little selfish at times.

 I would definitely recommend this book to a friend. It can change how people view the happenings that go on in their lives. Some people are always focused on the negative things that happen in their lives and don’t think that there might be a reason as to why those things were happening. This book would definitely give people who are always wondering why things never go their way or those who are constantly thing far too seriously about every little aspect of their lives. Sometimes you have to just let what’s going to happen, happen. This book would certainly give people a new perspective of their lives.  

Back to where it began

From across the blistering sand

To find what was thought to be

Buried beneath a desert sea

To go forward, to return

Taught a lesson, alone to learn

That returning back to the start

Brings the treasure closer to heart

Hear in hand the treasure behold

Jewels, chalices and coins of gold

Buried beneath religious roots

Between where the sycamore shoots

Here where it all began

With dreams of a far off land

A trip comes full around

By a dream be bound

Back to a land of blazing sun

Another journey begun

Back to the land of desert sand

To the oasis beyond where the Pyramids stand

Not Always but Most of the Time

I do my best not to take anything for granted. That is pretty hard to do. One thing I know I have the tendency to take for granted are my sisters. This is because they seem to, in my mind; drive me crazier more than they really do. This makes me take for granted that even when I think they won’t be behind me in something or assist me when I really need them, they are there. I also tend to take for granted to be thankful that they are there when I need them. That they tend to go out of their way to be there for me. Not that I wouldn't be there for them whenever they would need me, but that they take the time out of their lives to be there for me is something that I do tend to take for granted. It is also something I work towards not taking for granted.

I am grateful for my parents. As cliche as it sounds without them I wouldn't be here. I don’t just mean that physically either. Without them I wouldn't have been able to go back to college. My first attempt was a failure as I ended up having to withdraw because of my academic performance. I also ended up having to go back home because of losing my job because of the economy. If I didn't have them I would be in a place I don’t want to really think about. While I don’t think I would be at the bottom of the barrel, I defiantly don’t think that I would be where I am now if they didn't support me the way that they do. While there are the arguments and the occasional clash of wills it is because they raised me to be strong willed and independent that I am where I am now.

I generally try to take in all the good things that surround me and ignore anything negative. I have been rethinking ignoring the negative. Not necessarily take in the negative but to pay it attention that would allow me to understand it and avoid the effects that it brings with it. Algebra if nothing else has taught me this, negatives can beget more negatives. But if you find a way to turn that negative into a positive you’ll do fine.  The only way to learn how to overcome these negative things in life is to take in what is causing them and to learn from them. Otherwise when something negatives comes around, the people who usually ignore it have to back track to get around it. By taking in some of those negative things that surround you and learn from them you really are better off.

Thank you as always

For being someone special

For being my friend

Thank you in advance

For being there at my side

Through the harsher times

You listen to me

Probably more than you should

At least I don’t whine

Never one to wait

Enduring my impatience

You still stay with me

It is not enough

But I am grateful for you

Being my sister

Not Always Put Together

Planning things has always been something I have been good at. Whether they pull through completely is another story. People have told me that I over plan everything I do, as if I can prevent every possible bad outcome. I know better though. I know that there is no way to prevent something from happening whether you take it into account or not, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. Planning defiantly lowers my anxiety over things I can’t stop. However, trying to plan around a permanent form of anxiety is a little different. My father is a permanent form of anxiety for me. He goes through massive mood swings caused by a number of medications he takes for a variety of things. One minute he is happy and fine and the next he is having a fit over something. Planning anything around his moods is extremely difficult as I never know which mood he is in. The only things I can do are hope for the best and do what I can. You really can’t argue with him over him getting angry over nothing because he plays it off once he gets himself under control. Its also these moments can vary as he sulk over certain things for days and get over things in moments. I swear sometimes that the reason he has these mood swings is to see how far I can be pushed before I lose my patience and push back.

I have always disliked speaking in public. I did not enjoy the idea that I would be the center of attention in my own mind let alone in the actuality of it. Even giving an answer in class would have my face turning red and have me break out in a sweat. I usual avoid anything that would require me to speak out in a crowd. I eventually learned to tolerate it if I had to, but it was still something that makes me extremely anxious. Usually if there is another option that does not require me to be in front of people but do something that is more challenging or demanding I usually go for the second options. While people assume I’, just avoiding the problem by not facing it, they are mostly wrong. If I had no choice of if the other option was something repugnant, I would go up and say what I had to say and be done with it. Though it does cause me anxiety to speak in front of people, I usually suck it up and do it if I have to.

I have had people call Miss Brightside for quite some time, even if that can be a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t diminish anything that has happened that is bad, but I believe almost anything could be worse. Not that there are any specific examples of this, but I have known a few people who I am close with who also tend to exaggerate the problems. Of course I being the smart aleck that I am have to retort with “It could have been worse.” I really do try to see the glass as half full a great deal of the time. I don’t enjoy being depressed and it seems so exhausting to be negative.

Guess which one I am.

It was a simple question,

That’s how they all begin,

The screaming, the shouting

The you not listening.

One moment your there,

The next you’re not,

My face going red,

My neck getting hot.

You storm off somewhere,

 I sit down in a chair,

Forget what I was doing,

Right now I just don’t care.

How long was I sitting,

Didn’t notice you came back,

While putting back up my walls,

And filling in the cracks.

My patience once again tested,

No point in sitting down,

You just tell me to go do something,

As another mood swing comes around