Not Always Put Together

Planning things has always been something I have been good at. Whether they pull through completely is another story. People have told me that I over plan everything I do, as if I can prevent every possible bad outcome. I know better though. I know that there is no way to prevent something from happening whether you take it into account or not, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. Planning defiantly lowers my anxiety over things I can’t stop. However, trying to plan around a permanent form of anxiety is a little different. My father is a permanent form of anxiety for me. He goes through massive mood swings caused by a number of medications he takes for a variety of things. One minute he is happy and fine and the next he is having a fit over something. Planning anything around his moods is extremely difficult as I never know which mood he is in. The only things I can do are hope for the best and do what I can. You really can’t argue with him over him getting angry over nothing because he plays it off once he gets himself under control. Its also these moments can vary as he sulk over certain things for days and get over things in moments. I swear sometimes that the reason he has these mood swings is to see how far I can be pushed before I lose my patience and push back.

I have always disliked speaking in public. I did not enjoy the idea that I would be the center of attention in my own mind let alone in the actuality of it. Even giving an answer in class would have my face turning red and have me break out in a sweat. I usual avoid anything that would require me to speak out in a crowd. I eventually learned to tolerate it if I had to, but it was still something that makes me extremely anxious. Usually if there is another option that does not require me to be in front of people but do something that is more challenging or demanding I usually go for the second options. While people assume I’, just avoiding the problem by not facing it, they are mostly wrong. If I had no choice of if the other option was something repugnant, I would go up and say what I had to say and be done with it. Though it does cause me anxiety to speak in front of people, I usually suck it up and do it if I have to.

I have had people call Miss Brightside for quite some time, even if that can be a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t diminish anything that has happened that is bad, but I believe almost anything could be worse. Not that there are any specific examples of this, but I have known a few people who I am close with who also tend to exaggerate the problems. Of course I being the smart aleck that I am have to retort with “It could have been worse.” I really do try to see the glass as half full a great deal of the time. I don’t enjoy being depressed and it seems so exhausting to be negative.

Guess which one I am.

It was a simple question,

That’s how they all begin,

The screaming, the shouting

The you not listening.

One moment your there,

The next you’re not,

My face going red,

My neck getting hot.

You storm off somewhere,

 I sit down in a chair,

Forget what I was doing,

Right now I just don’t care.

How long was I sitting,

Didn’t notice you came back,

While putting back up my walls,

And filling in the cracks.

My patience once again tested,

No point in sitting down,

You just tell me to go do something,

As another mood swing comes around